The days blur together as they always do in summertime, Danny and I agreed this afternoon. I dropped him off at Starbucks and he gave me a big hug, slightly kissed my cheek and said "you're a life saver." I smiled and replied, "I know," and then he closed the car door, his cigarette smoke dancing around in the space between us before he disappeared inside.
That morning I woke up on he and Allison's couch and made the decision to not go to my third day of summer school. My head was pounding too hard. My stomach was too void of real food and too full of drinks from the night before. I looked in the mirror- my hair was a wreck, sticking out in every direction. My makeup had smeared and some had rubbed off. I was the definition of a phrase my mother used to say: "You look like you've been out at a bar all night getting fucked." When I was younger, I knew she could have just said "slut".
Looking at my reflection, I knew "slut" just wouldn't cut it. Maybe "party animal" or "hot mess". Words couldn't describe it, really.
I crawled back to the couch in my exhausted state and quickly slipped back into unconsciousness.
This has been my life for a few months now.
The chaotic pattern it's ensued has been something beautiful to watch enfold, piece itself together with cigarettes, empty beer cans, good friends, live music, and many unpredictable adventures. I think about it and smile, think about the good people I'm surrounded by.
I recall walking away from the boys house with Madison for the first time back in April. Heels in hand, squinting in the sunlight, we laughed as we looked back at their house. "This is going to be our summer."
We were right.
I didn't think I could ever say it, but thank you. Thank you so much for ending things with me so I could open a new book and start writing. So I could start learning and living. Growing.
Thank you for ending us so I could start me.
This will be the last time I write about you.
In ten days, I will finally be two decades old. No longer will the word "teen" ever exist in my age again. It's a realization that makes me sad and at the same time makes me so ecstatic.
I am going to be twenty.
(Top photo: Sean Rozycki @ http://seanrozycki.blogspot.com/)
