insomnia and a racing heart

I stir and arise for water- the time does not strike me as odd till I am back in bed and wide awake. I try to call, because a week ago from right now you were awake kissing me goodbye in the hallway of the Ace Hotel. But this time, you are not awake, or you do not want to talk, and I'm sitting here thinking of how much I wish I wouldn't have said goodbye as soon if I could do it all over again.

I wish we fell asleep in that goddamn hallway because we had nowhere else to go. I wish that for one second I would have thought how much this was going to affect me, not just the next day when I woke up to my last day in New York, but right now in Florida, one week later, at six in the morning.

The cats are getting restless.

The house is sighing deep sighs as if to mimic my distress.

I'm watching the minutes pass and feeling more and more nostalgic, more and more sad.

If I could hear your voice right now, this is what I'd say: "A week ago from tonight, or more specifically right now, we had the most amazing night. A night that movies try to capture with a mutual feeling between us that some people never get to experience in their whole lives. We had that in one moment, in one night, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to act like it didn't happen for a reason. In one of the biggest, most busiest cities in the world, two people collided at a bar because one of them decided to take a picture of the rain, a picture that person will never get to see again. These two people clicked and a small spark by the end of the night was a fire impossible to extinguish, even now one week later, 1,006 miles away. Our story is one of the arts, one where only a person like me or you could make it something so beautiful and so surreal. I was the girl unafraid to take my shoes off, get my feet wet on the ground all over the city, hair drenched, high off of you and adrenaline and the heat of the moment. You were the boy right there with me ready for anything as long as it included not ending that night with wet hair and an eager smile on your face.

I miss that smile more than anything right now, and I would do anything to just fall asleep in my bed and wake up in yours next to you. I'd do anything to have you and call you mine, or have you introduce me to your friends as yours, and show you Gainesville and Mars, or see your art and your creations, your life before me. . .

If you can think back right to that moment before you walked in the bar we collided at, before we made eye contact and then couldn't stop, would you go back and wish we had never met? Would it had been easier for the both of us that night, or right now? If you too, cannot say yes. If you too, cannot wish this happening away. If you too, wish for something more-

let's jump in with our eyes closed.

If we fail, we can always remember we gave it a chance.

We have nothing to lose, but so much to gain."

* * *

I'm looking outside my window and like the week before, the sun is up and trickling light in. Only this time, I'm not hearing traffic, or sirens, or city life outside my hotel window.

This time I only hear one lone bird chirping on the tree next to my window, and the rest is quiet.

But once again, you're on my mind, and I am restless.

Nothings changed, but everything's changing.

Predicting love was never easy.

baths, a familiar book, & fate

It's the last weekend of summer, and the first weekend I've spent alone in my new house. I've developed a routine, one I was slightly expecting to happen: sleep with the cats, walk around in the nude to make coffee, or light incense, getting ready for work with my iTunes playing loudly from my room. I did not expect to take baths, which I have done each day with a book in hand -it's been very relaxing and humbling.

I'm reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower again for the 4th time, and I guess I could say it's even better now than the last time I opened it's weary pages in high school. It makes me think, and laugh, and cry, and feel human through each word Charlie writes anonymously.

Today, specifically, I thought about this routine that has been developing, and then I thought about it's holes. What it was missing. And then I get a text from you.

You're the only thing that's missing right now. It puts a hole through my chest each time I dwell on the thought of our lives colliding. Us living in the same state, same county, or same town.

And then sometimes, like right now, I get this nauseating feeling. A feeling that makes me sick to my stomach.

What if we never get to experience this life together? Or even worse, what if we're too afraid to take the chance or even try? People do this everywhere. They date, and one moves away, or they meet incidentally on a rainy night in New York and kiss in the storm till sunrise, and then the girl goes back to Florida while the boy stays in New York because he just moved there two months ago, from Florida.

"You just have to sit back and think to yourself, is it going to be worth it? Is it going to be worth all those moments you're alone, and you wish he was with you, and it just kills you inside how much you long for his hand in yours. It's going to be hard, but you have to remember, every moment you're not physically together makes those moments when you are so worth it. It makes the distance disappear, and for awhile, you're perfectly happy."

I stared at my coworker who I just met and who I may never see again with a half-smile on my face.

"I know it's worth it, I just need to prove it, for him. And then he'll know, this has all happened for a reason. And it's worth it."

"we're a story"

"Don't leave me."

The way he said it so softly, longingly, and seriously, choked me up. I couldn't respond immediately because we both knew what sunrise would bring- I was leaving New York to arrive back in Florida.

For a moment, a mutual vision was shared in our eyes of a life we couldn't have. A life where we could conveniently wake up to each other every morning and decide to lay in bed all day, never leaving the house except for the bare necessities. A life where we could drink coffee and learn about each other, our pasts, families, experiences, heartbreaks, and dreams. A life that would be full of nights walking around the city aimlessly just to enjoy one another's company in the beautiful buzz of the New York Lifestyle, getting lost, losing ourselves. One where a seed could be planted and watered for growth with wide smiles, open mouthed laughs, and unconditional, inspirational love. It could happen in another life time where he still lived in Florida, or I was done with school already, and we could be happy.

I looked him in the eyes this time without him asking me politely and smiled when really I just kind of wanted to cry. I felt an overwhelming feeling I had become unfamiliar with, an uncontrollable ocean of emotions.

"Pinky promise me this won't be the last time we'll see each other." He stared at my hand and shook his head.

"I can't promise that because I don't know." The hope inside me withered a little- I knew where he was coming from, but I wouldn't imagine this being the end already. I couldn't.

"I know we will, even if it means I have to come back." I decided before the words were even out.

Justin looked up at me with his shining hazel eyes and wrapped his pinky around mine. We kissed our hands, as if to seal the promise.

"Come here," he said with a half smile, and I breathed a kiss in. My head whirled and my knee's weakened.

Saying goodbye was hard. We dragged it out like the night, not wasting any time to be completely consumed with each other, kissing and touching and laughing, hoping it would never end. There was a mutual light in both our eyes that was something like a feeling I had forgotten- I think he forgot it for awhile, too, and together we marveled in it not thinking of where I would be in just under twelve hours.

I was going to miss his cute button nose and strong hands on the small of my back.

The way he told me he loved my laugh and played with me in the rain.

The way he told me he loved that I was mad at him, or pinned me against a brick wall, or held my hand and kissed my knuckles.

It was like we had a lifetime together in one night, passing by too quickly but sinking in so comfortably, naturally.

It's like I had known him forever or not met him at all.

"These things just happen," he said kissing me goodbye once more in front of my hotel room, and I recalled when the bartender said the exact same words two nights before.

I smiled from ear to ear reflecting his expression- this wasn't goodbye forever.

This wasn't the end.