It's drizzling a cold, constant rain outside this Saturday morning. I'm sitting on my back patio with the Flannery O'Connor book of stories I found for 50 cents at my school library and some coffee listening to the buzz of droplets melodically batting the rooftops of North East 9th Street. The cats are outside and playing in the rain, running, exploring, learning, always together and forever curious.You're in my room sleeping, curled up at the edge of the bed. Every time I sneak in there to grab something, I'll glance and you and smile a little- this was so unexpected I would think. But this was so nice.
Last weekend it hit me like a bag of grenades, or something even bigger and more explosive- land mimes? It had been building up ever since he was at my door, in my room, smoking a blunt with me on my bed and then resting a hand on my knee in the car ride following- closure. It took six months, some gained weight, and a pathetic attempt to stay at my house for me to realize I had been chasing what he had been, what we had been, and what we would never get back again. It all finally became clear to me as I walked into Mars with my parents and he was there without her.
"I think we should hangout more." I looked at him and then looked back down at my beer. I cracked a smile, and then I just let it loose.
"Hmm, I don't think that's a good idea." And it sat in the air, the control I was taking back, and it settled thickly. It left an imprint.
My dad took my stepmom and I to one of the best restaurants in town. Together there, we drank beer, ate appetizers, and my dad watched me in my environment, in my home, and he looked pleased.
"You look so happy." It wasn't just an observation, it was a statement. The booze was now settling in our veins. My face felt flushed and my cheeks hurt from grinning so much. As we walked my dad hugged me, his long, strong dad-arms wrapped around me and said, "we thought we lost you honey! Finally you're over this loser and you can move on!"
It was like a celebration.
The very next day when they left town, I went to your house.
And moving on is exactly what I did.
