It's not that we're scared, it's just that it's delicate

Observation #1: I've been sleeping in my living room for the past few nights and spending my days actually living in it. Each time 7PM rolls around, I enjoy the hues the sky reflects against my brick house- a fiery orange seeps over the windowsills like lava and tinges the hand-me-down furniture and white walls. It's beautiful. It's sometimes the best part of my day. I'll walk outside to stare at the sky and my mothers cat, or I should say my new cat, will be rolling around in the dirt driveway stretching her feet towards the tangerine clouds. And no matter what is on my mind or what thoughts are weighing on my shoulders, I smile. And sometimes I'll laugh to myself right there in front of my lawn and my mail box and 9th Street and my neighbors and the passing cars. Because even if I'm not happy, in the short moment of natural beauty with the sun, I'm elated- life, even in it's worst moments, will always remain naturally beautiful. And as long as there's beauty, I'm happy.

Observation #2: We hate going through events that cause us stress. As much as the life lesson or ending result is promising or story changing or person-shaping, we find ourselves resenting the inevitable discomfort. But what I find interesting is how in these events or happenings whether you're dealing with it alone or another person are the things we find out about ourselves during or after the process.

I hurt you, I abandoned you, I left you, I forgot you- at a time in your life where you needed me most. And since then, I've ignored this fact. And you have seemed to do the same thing. Late last night when I was drunk and reading your words of desperation, I didn't know what to say back. I fell asleep numbly and comfortably. I woke up with a heavy headache and heart- we didn't meet eye to eye, you said. And you spoke of a habit of mine, a defense mechanism- you ignore the feelings I've conjured just as I ignore the feelings I hurt.

"You're so good at avoiding the things that mean the most."

When you see things like this put into words it's hard to comprehend them because that's you. Raw. Exposed. Naked. The truth is there right in front of you and it hurts because it's so real it cuts you open. Each time things happen that change me, shape me, with stress, or love, or pain, or words, I look back and find that one habit, that one secret, that one truth.

I guess this one wasn't just hurting me, it was hurting you too.