You know that feeling that washes over you when you're walking alone down a dark road and the only street light goes out while you're standing underneath it? That's the only way I can really describe the emotion that occurred when I read what you said would be the last message you'd ever send me. I didn't feel lonely, or afraid, or even sad, but this strange mixed feeling of all three.
The feeling of the only light illuminated burning out to leave you only with the moon.
I didn't delete you from my life because you told me to, or delete your friends numbers, or all the history of us on my cellphone, or any social network where we could reach each other, I did it for you. For your mind.
For your heart.
For both of our sanity.
Because I was a bad thing, terrible thing.
I did it because it was all or nothing for you, and I wanted the middle of that, the comfortable spot in your bed, but away from your heart. Far, far away from what made you love me.
I can't say eating pizza will taste the same for awhile. Or listening to Wolf Parade. Or seeing lightning bolts drawn on paper. Or watching that Scott Pilgrim movie that you loved. Or drinking a Sierra Nevada. Or fucking in the shower. Or hearing about the new episode of Breaking Bad. Or adoring sunflowers. Or espresso- the list could go on for a little, but before I could find everything that reminded me of you, time would pass. And you would heal- forget. And maybe between that time you'd hate me instead of love me or miss me, and I'd miss your bed, your chest, your comfort and hair. But I'd be okay too. And maybe we'd be friends again, like before you wrote me that song and sang it at all your shows. Before I got in your bed a year ago after your 20th birthday. Before feelings were felt and attraction grew into infatuation.
The weird thing with street lights, the thing I don't understand each time it happens, is that the same street light that went out on you a few weeks ago will light up right as you walk by. And the feeling is completely different.
It's a safe feeling- that the dark road is just a familiar path you took earlier that day when the sun was in the sky and you were singing,
"give me your eyes, I need sunshine."
