Not knowing what you want is an alienating feeling. But really knowing what you want, down to your bones, to the very core, in your heart and in your mind, may feel just as strange.
Before you know it, it's all you can think about. Inevitably it will consume you, invade your thoughts, take over you. And it's terrifying. You can't control it.
At times, it will make your smile stretch so far across your face that your cheeks hurt. Or your stomach knot up from all the laughter it has incited, all of the happiness. You start to gasp for air as you begin to lose yourself; the desire being too strong, you give in, because you want it so badly.
Those are the highs.
And then there are the lows. Bringing you down, making your feet drag. The loss of control of your face muscles, your feelings, your thoughts- it scares you. You cannot tell yourself apart from what you want, or who you want, any longer. It seems to all blur together. You're so lost you don't know where it started, how it got so bad. And in this limbo, time doesn't matter. Where it started and where it's going to end, is too distant from you now. You can't recall the important things, only the highs, only the smiles and the laughter or the love. The desire.
But you worked for it. You waited. You fought.
And no matter how far away you are from yourself- you find yourself left with no regrets- with weak bones, and a heavy heart.
